he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
