I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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