i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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