A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
