I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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