Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
