i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
