the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
