I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
