she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize