So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
