When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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