You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
