the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
