Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
