i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
