Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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