just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
