the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
