She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
