Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I look better un-naked...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
