Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
