I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
