soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
