I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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