I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
