my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
