Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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