Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
only you would photoshop your dick
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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