I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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