I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
