i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
