this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize