why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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