Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
