Umm I'm too high to move.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
