ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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