This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize