Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
