When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
