The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
