there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
