I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
