he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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