He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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