I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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