I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you will always have a special place in my vag
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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