Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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