He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
