I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
