Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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