Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
