I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
