Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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