:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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