living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize