Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
