if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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