we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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