I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
