we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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