I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize