I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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