You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
we're so committed to being not committed
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
