He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
